


You (aren't supposed to) make my heart flutter

by stillifall



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Falling In Love, Follows canon until it doesn't, Getting Together, M/M, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 14:54:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23713279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillifall/pseuds/stillifall
Summary: Eddie forgot that happiness could come so easily, because with Buck it did. Buck had that about him. Which didn’t make it any easier for him.He wished being with Buck was annoying, so that he could go home and be with his wife and son and be relieved that he got off work. But he never was, he liked working because Buck was there and Buck made him feel things. Things that Shannon… well now that he thought about it, no one ever really made him feel like this. They promised to have each other's back, and since then, they never stopped.AKA life is hard but they still have each other and wow I think I might be in love with you getting together. Also Christopher is there.
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 130





	You (aren't supposed to) make my heart flutter

**Author's Note:**

> I really enjoyed writing this, so I hope you guys enjoy reading it. Tell me what you liked, what you thought, or if what you were doing before you decided to procrastinate by reading this XD Enjoy ^^

He never considered cheating. He would never. He had morals and he would never do that to someone. He was technically married, and even though Shannon wasn’t here, he made vows. And when she was here, he still had those vows and it was complicated, yes, but Eddie Diaz respected those vows.

But Shannon would drive him crazy and he would go to work irritated, and frustrated, and have Buck, who made him smile and laugh and tease endlessly and it made something in his heart... Light up. Like a spark. It made him feel alive, and relieved. (It made him feel guilty). With Shannon, it was complicated. He was never too sure whether he was being too forward, or not forward enough. He wasn’t sure whether sex was just that, and if they were trying to make their relationship work or just their parenting. It was walking on eggshells, all the damn time. It would drive Eddie crazy, but he would do it. Christopher deserved a mother, and well, he wanted a partner. Shannon was once his partner.

Buck never teased him or asked about his marriage, which was weird because Eddie knew Buck was a curious person. And sometimes nosy. But even he must have seen the fragile state of it because he kept away. His marriage didn’t exist when he was with Buck. Only Christopher. He could pretend he was a single dad, and Buck would go along. Buck would always go along, smiling and teasing and happy.

Eddie forgot that happiness could come so easily, because with Buck it did. Buck had that about him. Which didn’t make it any easier for him.

He wished being with Buck was annoying, so that he could go home and be with his wife and son and be relieved that he got off work. But he never was, he liked working because Buck was there and Buck made him feel things. Things that Shannon… well now that he thought about it, no one ever really made him feel like this.

He liked the spark they had. Never beyond friendly though, sometimes just tip toeing that line. And yes sometimes he noticed that Buck was good looking and sometimes he would stare at his lips, his biceps, his body because how could he not. It wasn’t a crime to look, and it wasn’t a crime to appreciate the view.  
Still, he wouldn't cheat.

_(Even if his heart felt lighter with Buck. And he made him feel passionate about someone since well... First being married.)_

When Shannon came back the mere thought of even looking at Buck with those thoughts on his head felt wrong. He stepped away from the taunting smiles and the shoulder-bumps and the flirty gazes. He stepped away from anything that might have made his heart flutter. He kept his distance, and it was harder than he thought. Buck was always there, and even though Eddie knew this was mere attraction, he wasn’t going to let his hormones and inability to keep it in his pants break his marriage.

He came home from work, focused on Shannon and their broken marriage and tried to fix it. He tried. He gave it his all. (He didn’t know that it meant giving Buck less, but-)

If Buck noticed a change in their relationship, he didn't mention it.

“I want a divorce.”

Eddie wanted to hear those lines, he had imagined what it would be like to hear them. But now that he was actually hearing it, it made him angry. He tried. He was trying, and he wanted it to work and she- she just wanted to give up?

“I want a divorce.”

The words echoed...until they didn’t.

When Shannon passed away, Eddie knew it was wrong to feel even a little bit of relief. He couldn't help it. Now every time he looked at Buck, he knew that technically, he was now allowed. Technically, he was free of his vows. Technically, he was a single dad now. Technically…

Eddie hated himself.

Buck never made the first move to go back to what they were before Shannon. He kept his distance, and in a way, it made Eddie desperate to get him back. He did. After a bit. Life happened, and an incident after another, they built their relationship back up, never knowing it had faded.

Eddie started to tease Buck, and crack jokes and bump shoulders. In an instant, Buck was doing it too. They were in sync. Now every time he came to work, his heart fluttered at the sight of the younger man. Little by little, those thoughts he first had came back. Eddie tried to not focus on them, to just hang out with Buck, because they were friends. They were really good friends. Little by little, the things he noticed began to stack up as a list in his brain.

Buck was sitting on his couch, a beer in his hand, telling him about the call he missed. He looked relaxed, leftover ashes on one of his cheeks. Eddie felt his fingers tingle with desire to wipe it away, to brush against his cheek. But now that Eddie was looking at his face, it was easy to fall into the pattern of finding everything he found lovely.

Cute lips.

Easy on the eyes.

Perfect smile.

Hot body.

Buck must have noticed because he stopped talking about the kitchen incident and how funny the people in the house were and how they exchanged recipes and went silent. He just gave Eddie a curious look, a small shy smile on his face. He leaned a little forward, and Eddie couldn’t look away.

Perfect lips.

Eddie widened his eyes, his eyes darting from Buck’s lips to his face. Buck was giving him a look, and it was then that Eddie realized just how close they were. How he could hear Buck breathing, how Buck could probably tell how fast his heart was beating. Buck took a breath in, and then darted his own eyes to the other man’s lips. He could feel Buck’s eyes on him and then-

“I have to go.” Buck stood up, spitting out half-hearted goodbyes. He scrambled to collect his stuff (a jacket, his discarded phone and the keys he had left on the counter) and in less than two minutes, he was out the door. Eddie couldn’t even walk him out.  
Little by little, he started to realize that he was back where he started, Buck was making his heart flutter again. Except, now there was no vows, no wife, no fragile marriage to keep him from-

From Buck.  
_  
(From falling in love with his best friend.)  
_

_(He wasn’t going to.)  
_

_(It would be a mess-  
_

_It would be-  
_

_Buck would never-)  
_

When Buck left that night, Eddie was left with an empty beer, an empty couch, and a loud beating heart. He got a text from Buck 20 minutes later.

“Got home. Thanks for dinner.”

He felt a lump on his throat. He walked to his bed, throwing his phone to the side and deciding that maybe he was too tired and he just needed to stop thinking. Frustration was working its way to his body, and he realized that this felt similar to the lawsuit. Scared. Angry. Buck wasn’t supposed to be- (his world).

(Eddie Diaz wasn’t going to fall in love.)

* * *

Eddie Diaz was a dumbass who couldn’t be trusted.

Buck knew this, because they started as friends and he knew the man too well to know that he was actually almost as impulsive as him. He knew him better than the man himself, and that was something that Buck prided himself in.

He knew his kind smiles, his teasing remarks. He knew what buttons to push to get what he wanted, and he knew what buttons to push to get his ass handed to him, those were the ones to avoid.

Buck also knew Eddie took promises seriously.

When Eddie told him he would have his back, the way his eyes glistened and the steady way his voice said it- Buck knew he wasn’t kidding. He wasn’t just saying it because of the adrenaline rush. He meant it. With every part of him. Buck, right there and then, knew he would become worthy of it. Buck also offered him the same, knowing that he too was making a promise.

He found himself becoming closer to him.

It started as a way to prove that he could be a good friend. If he was honest, it felt good to make a friend who _he_ was his first choice. Chimney and Hen were his friends, but he also knew they were best friends. He knew that they confided in each other and had secrets that Buck would never know of. This time it would be Buck and Eddie. Buck and Eddie who would keep secrets, and make fun of each other and be there for each other. Buck and Eddie. Buck thought it had a good ring to it.

“I’m married.”

Buck knew Eddie would never cheat. Because marriage has vows, and those were promises too. Whatever they had, their friendship just tip-toeing the line of maybe something more, hit the brakes. Buck and Eddie were supposed to have secrets, not keep secrets from each other. So when Buck heard of it, he felt a tiny part of his heart break. But that’s just because they were close.

(Not because of the way Eddie began to look at him. Not because every time Eddie bumped his shoulder against him Buck would want to lean a little bit in. Not because he felt lighter when he was around. The shoulder bumps didn’t mean that he wanted to be close, the smiles didn’t mean he made him feel warm.)

He never brought it up. Dying curiosity and everything. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to. And frankly, he didn’t want to know, or let Eddie know that he cared. Shannon was his partner, his real partner. Eddie now had someone else's back to watch and someone else who was his first choice. Buck stopped going to his house, and stopped hanging out with Christopher as often as he did. He missed it. He never told Eddie that. He would talk with Eddie, but the jokes were a little forced, and the laughter a little stiff. He didn’t know how to move on. He wasn't sure what exactly he was supposed to move on from.

And then-

There was a car accident and a dead wife, a funeral and a son who missed his mother.

“She wanted a divorce.”

(Buck felt like a horrible human for feeling even a little bit relieved. He knew that whatever he felt (or didn’t, because Buck wasn’t entirely sure what was going on) for Eddie was actually allowed. He wouldn’t be a homewrecker. Still. Eddie deserved to mourn without Buck asking him questions that a middle schooler would be asking their crush. Still. He was back to being first choice. It was Buck and Eddie. Buck had never wanted to scream at himself so badly before.)

Then there was a tsunami, an angry dad and fighting.

“A natural disaster happened Buck. You saved him.”

(The guilt that followed that event kept him awake. He felt so lonely. No job. No company. His friends were going to leave him behind and Buck and Eddie, well it would just be Buck. Eddie wouldn’t stick around. Not to mention that kid, who he loved with all his heart. He let everyone down and- Eddie still showed up to his apartment, with Christopher in one hand and his backpack on the other. Buck decided one thing that day. Buck and Eddie was good. But Buck and Eddie and Christopher was better. )

Then there was illegal rinks, lawsuits, jealousy.

“But you did file a stupid lawsuit and now I cant even talk to you because of it.”

(Which was true, but Eddie didn’t understand that he didn’t want to get left behind. Buck didn’t understand that Eddie thought he left him. Buck didn’t know that he was important enough in Eddie’s life that well, the man would resent him for that. His lack of words were echoing whenever they passed each other. It built up and kept building up until- Until it was back to Buck and Eddie. Until they remembered that they had each other’s back and everything seemed so clear now.)

  
Throughout all of it, Buck couldn’t get him off his mind. He thought about what to say to him, he thought about how to apologize to him, he thought about how Eddie should be the one who says sorry.

Buck, really, just wanted Eddie back.

After a bit, they started to come back to each other.

Buck found himself back in Eddie’s house, back on his couch. He had a beer on his hand and he was telling him about that last call where there was a kitchen fire. It was a good story, a good way to end a tiring shift. Eddie was cleaning up toys that Christopher had laid out, and Buck felt relaxed. Coming back to the Diaz household was like- (coming home.)

Eddie joined him on the couch afterwards, and Buck moved on to how the husband began to share recipes and how Bobby began to give cooking tips. That was until he felt Eddie staring intently at him. He stopped and gave him a shy smile, not knowing what exactly he was thinking of. Sometimes Eddie would be a silent thinker, staring until he burst out and explain his train of thought. Maybe this was what was happening. He leaned a bit forward.

Eddie’s eyes went from his face, to his lips and suddenly Buck could feel his cheeks flushing and his pulse quicken. This wasn’t happening right? Eddie would never-

(Eddie couldn’t like him. Love him.)

Right now, Eddie kept his gaze focused on him and well, Buck was a weak man. He looked down at the other man’s lips and they were perfect. They seemed soft and smooth. How can they look like that and not be kissed?

The second that thought entered his brain, Buck widened his eyes and pulled back. He couldn’t do this, not to Eddie. Not to himself. It was Buck and Eddie, and Eddie was understanding but there would definitely be no way of explaining I kissed you because I wanted you and I think I’ve felt this for a while so I kind of love you.” He was sure that there was a line that he couldn’t cross. He was sure this was the line.

It was Buck and Eddie.

(Not Buck loves Eddie.)

(Definitely not Eddie loves Buck.)

“I have to go.” He rushed to grab his jacket, his keys and phone. He said goodbye along with other meaningless sentences and then bolted out the door, his mixed feelings leading the way.

He only thought about the almost empty bottle of beer he left on the table.

(Not the way Eddie looked at him. With those captivating brown eyes.)

He thought about how he didn’t say goodnight to Christopher.

(Not the way Eddie was so close, and he could smell the cologne he wore and the leftover smell of dishwasher soap the man spilled on his shirt when he was cleaning the dishes.)

He thought about how much he enjoyed dinner.

(Not about how good his lips look. How this was the moment where Evan Buckley realized he was in love with his best friend. Has been in love for a while. But until now, it wasn’t something he actively had to fight against. )

When he got home, he sent a text. He didn't want to worry him, and he still left so many things unsaid. But appreciating dinner was not going to be one of them.

“Got home. Thanks for dinner.”

He threw his phone onto the counter and climbed up to his bed, his head burying onto the pillow. God.

Eddie Diaz was a dumbass.

What was he thinking, looking at him with those eyes?

Eddie Diaz couldn’t be trusted.

He made him fall in love.

* * *

Whatever happened on the couch followed them to the station, to their car, to their calls. Buck would be awkward around Eddie without meaning to. He would be too careful and too unsure. He would hesitate to pick the seat next to him, he would stop bumping into him. The hugs became more like pats and the affectionate teasing cut down. While before Buck went head first, it seemed like he was testing the water of their relationship.

  
Eddie would be frustrated and would call out the man if not for his behavior mirroring Buck’s. He wasn’t sure what exactly had happened. But something did. And now there was a shift that Eddie didn’t know what to do with.

The tension however, didn’t keep Buck from visiting Christopher and having playdates with the boy. He was never going to leave him, even if things with Eddie were complicated. Sometimes, Eddie would ask if he wanted to stay for dinner. (But Dinner would lead to a couple of beers which would lead to sitting on the couch which would lead to looking at his lips again. Buck wasn’t sure if he could go another time without kissing him.) So he always refused, coming up with different excuses that he knew Eddie would see through. Eddie never pushed.

(Buck was hoping for the day he would.)

When Christopher asked him for help one day, Buck couldn't wait to help the young kid. It was something he loved, helping people. Helping Christopher. Eddie asked him if he was okay taking care of him while he went to pick up food, and Buck felt grateful that regardless of what was going on between and in between them, Christopher was a constant.

However, when Christopher was sitting on his bed, his head ducked and his hands playing with another, he realized that this was more serious than helping with legos or math.

“What’s the problem kiddo?” Buck asked, keeping his curiosity, and nerves away from his tone. Christopher mumbled something, and Buck leaned in to try to catch some of the words.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that-”

“I like someone.”

Buck widened his eyes.

Oh.

God he wished, at this moment, that he watched the movies that Maddie would sometimes invite him to. He was sure at least one of them could have taught him how to deal with this.

“You like someone? Like, at your school?”

Christopher only shyly nodded. Buck tried to think of what else to say. He was a kid, what’s a relationship at that age? Holding hands? Passing notes? Was it even a relationship at that point? And where was Eddie, taking so long picking up pizza and not dealing with his son who might like someone?

“Yeah… What should I do?”

Buck wanted to pat him in the head and say ‘I don’t know because I too like someone and I have no clue what to do.’ But he couldn’t, because Christopher needed his help and he didn’t want to let him down. Almost as if Christopher read his mind, the boy leaned closer, like exchanging a secret, and whispered,

“Have you liked someone before?”

Buck felt his heart stop and his mind rewind. The couch. His lips. Eddie. Buck could pretend to avoid Eddie and could pretend to not have feelings. But he couldn’t lie to Christopher.

“Yeah, yeah I have.”

“It feels fuzzy and it makes my stomach feel weird-”

“And it feels warm,” Buck ended, sharing a look with the boy. Maybe he was a little kid, but for the first time, Buck realized that there were some feelings that were universal.

“Do you like them, or do you like like them?” Buck chuckled at that, flashbacks bringing him back to when he would tease Maddie with the same question.

“I think-” At that moment, Eddie walked in, standing at the doorway looking at Christopher and Buck. His hands were gripping the dorm frame. He seemed to know he was interrupting an important conversation.

“The pizza is here.”

 _I think I love him_ Buck was gonna say, his confession hanging in the back of his throat.

Christopher stood up immediately, his face sparkling with joy and began to go towards the kitchen, conversation abandoned. Buck sighed and stood up. He locked eyes with Eddie, who was still watching him. His hands started to get sweaty and he stood up, wondering if Eddie heard any of that. Buck meets him on the doorway, trying to hide his flipping heart in a smile.

“Did you get pepperoni?” Eddie rolls his eyes.

“So you are staying for dinner?” Buck widened his eyes.

“It’s getting late, I should-”

“Stay.”

Eddie pushed, and well, Buck couldn’t say no. His smile grew wider and he walked past the man, feeling a hand on the back of his waist as he exited Christophers room. He took a deep breath and stopped the thoughts that began to form from such a meaningless touch. Christopher was already eating pizza when Buck reached the kitchen. He grabbed a slice, and with one quick swoop he had a giggling Christopher in his arm. He took them both to the couch, where their dinners usually took place. He threw the boy carefully onto the couch, sitting next to him. They were both laughing, their mouths half full with pizza. He didn’t notice Eddie looking softly at him, a gentle smile on his face.

It was easy to pretend that there was nothing going on between Eddie and him when Christopher was between them. He acted like common ground. They could both agree they loved the child. If Buck would sometimes steal glances at Eddie, just to see if his heart could ever just stop going 100 miles a minute, then nobody needed to know.

Christopher fell asleep with the game controller in his hand, the Winning screen blinking on and off in front of them. Buck picked it up quietly and cautiously, making sure not to startle the boy. He turned the TV off and left the remote on the couch. Then he looked at Eddie, who nodded and picked the boy up and carried him to the room. It was like a routine they rehearsed. The whole evening had gone by and Buck forgot just how normal it felt to spend hours with Eddie and his son. It felt right, like he was part of this- (home.)

He stood up, deciding not to follow Eddie to Christopher's room. That would have been too intimate for his heart to handle. Instead he put his hands in his pockets and waited for Eddie to come back. He heard the whispers of ‘good night’ and ‘I love you’. A soft smile appeared in his face and god-

  
He really loved him. How this man could be strong and brave and sharp and fearless and yet be able to come home and be soft and kind, and patient and thoughtful and-

Buck heard footsteps and he looked in the direction of Eddie. His heart sunk down to his stomach and he was ready to flee. Now there was nothing stopping from Buck spilling his guts to the man in front of him. He needed to go.

“Tucked in?” Eddie nodded.

“I should get going,” Buck replied, grabbing a jacket that he had left discarded on the couch. Just as he was about to pick it up, Eddie cleared his throat.

“Or, you could stay? Have a beer?”

Eddie braced himself for rejection, he was pushing it too far. It was the first time Buck had stayed for dinner in a while and he wasn’t confident that Buck even wanted to stay for-

“Yeah. Yeah sure.”

Eddie headed for the fridge. Buck felt a lump in his throat as he took out two cold beers. Buck grabbed one, and Eddie pointed at the couch. Right. Couch.  
He took a swig, trying to give himself as much courage as possible. Sitting on the couch. Not looking at his lips. It was a simple task.

(Because Eddie Diaz was not in love with him.)

Eddie shot him a tense smile and drank from his. He really didn’t think this through. The last time they were sitting on this couch things went… Well Eddie’s feelings were insufferable. He wasn’t sure that this time it was going to be any different.

(Because Buck was not in love with him.)

“So,” Buck began, trying to find a topic of conversation. It was Buck and Eddie. They could talk about anything, anytime. So why was he lacking words. Why was he holding all this nervous energy?

“You like like someone?” Buck almost spit out his drink, turning his head to look at an amused Eddie.

“What?”

Eddie shrugged.

“I heard that Christopher asked you. Which, to be honest I don’t know why he was asking you for your advice on love,” Eddie mentioned, his voice amused and slightly, slightly nervous. He was teasing, he knew Buck knew, but the way Buck’s eyes flicked away and then back to his face… Well maybe Buck was able to see right through him. Maybe it took one slip up and Buck would know that Eddie Diaz was hopelessly in love with him.

Buck scoffed.

“And why is that?” He asked, a smirk on his face. Eddie felt his cheeks redden. Desperately, he took another sip.

“Well, I mean, have you ever been in love?” Eddie didn’t expect a response, but the way Buck widened his eyes made him realize that Buck had one. If he had one, Eddie wanted to hear it. (He knew it was wishful thinking, he was so far gone to know that it was nothing but wishful thinking. He knew that Buck was going to joke about it, and then they would abandon the conversation and whatever Eddie was feeling on his gut right now was going to go back to hiding-

Except.

The way Buck was looking at him right now-)

“Yeah, I have,” Buck whispered, leaning towards. His beer was resting in the coffee table in front of them, Eddie didn’t even realize he had put it away. He took a sharp breath in when Buck was suddenly right in front of him, his nose almost brushing against his. His lips almost touching his. There was a faint smell of beer and aftershave and smoke and and-

“Have you?” He asked, and Eddie couldn’t even form a reply before he was pushing lips onto Buck’s, a small gasp coming from the other man.

* * *

Eddie Diaz never considered cheating. When he made promises, he would keep them. When he told Buck he would have his back, he meant it, even if Buck didn’t know how deeply he meant that. Buck treasured his promises. He made him feel warm, and lighter, and passionate. He liked going to work, laughing as they deal with good calls and holding each other through the bad ones. He treasured the rides back home, when it was him and Buck and the city lights and the traffic noises; Christopher hugging them both and then cooking and laughing and sitting on the couch and then kissing because that was a thing they could do.  
Eddie Diaz fell in love, was in love. And that was a promise. Loving Buck was the easiest promise Eddie ever made.

“Hey Eddie, which movie are we watching?” Buck yelled from the couch. Eddie joined him, shushing him because Christopher was sleeping and telling him to scoot over. Buck only rolled his eyes and smiled, kissing the man’s cheek as he bent down to sit.

It was Buck and Eddie.

(Eddie loves Buck.)

(Definitely Buck loves Eddie.)

**Author's Note:**

> review!


End file.
